As much as I enjoy gushing over the feelings I have for Him, that’s not what this is about. I came to a realization today, and I was shocked that I had never considered it before.
I have little girl tendencies, that’s no secret. Those tendencies come with little girl feelings, too – both good and bad. I find myself caught in them more often than I would like, but today I discovered something that should never have been a surprise.
True love is not about what the other person does in response to your actions, feelings, thoughts, and emotions. True love is what you do with no expectation of a response.
I tell my children every day that I love them, with no need for reciprocation. I know they do, but as children, they will say things in anger meant to hurt me. “I hate you!” “You’re the meanest Mommy EVER!” When they say it, I accept their words, forget about them, and continue loving them. I would kill and die for them. I would sacrifice for them. That’s unconditional love. Any parent (any decent parent) understands it, accepts it, and never questions it.
Why then, do we claim to believe that the man (or woman) in our life truly loves us then question every single motive and, as in my case, allow little girl emotions to dictate our actions?
I realized today that at some point within the past days and weeks that I had stopped sending text messages to Him with the expectation of a response – not an immediate response, but any response. Yes, it happened partly because I have grown used to the new normal – because He’s busy at work and His life is insane right now. But deeper than that was the understanding that I don’t send a message, make a phone call, write an email, or post a blog with the assumption of a response. I do it because I believe it makes Him happy, makes Him smile, helps Him, and simply because I want to do it.
My little girl side stamps her foot, says that it’s not fair, and if I can do it for Him, certainly He can do it for me. I spend more time than I’d like telling her the shut the hell up. And I think about how blissfully happy I am when He calls me on His way home or sends me a random text message, how it’s a surprise every time (that’s the little girl side of me I like, in case you wondered).
But this isn’t just about helping Him feel a little less stressed. This isn’t about reminding Him of my feelings – as if He needs reminding, implying that I can be forgotten. This isn’t about needing reciprocity. This is about loving someone unconditionally and showing Him my love regardless of His ability to respond.
Which leads me to another point. I had heard somewhere, several months ago, that good relationships are not always 50/50. Thanks to Google, I now know it was Ellen Gerst talking about balanced relationships (back in 2009). Ideally, a relationship will be 50/50 with each side giving equally to the relationship. But real life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes it’s 60/40 or 30/70 depending on what life throws your way.
This shift in balance is the give and take of any relationship. Life will hit one side harder than the other at times. When you truly care about someone, that’s when you pick up the slack. Instead of 50/50, maybe it has to be 80/20 for a while. True love knows that when the tables turn, the balance will shift.
Ultimately, that’s what I’ve learned today. As early as we are in our relationship, because we’re D/s, I believe emotionally we’re further along than most vanilla couples. Right now, the balance is skewed one way because of the turmoil in His life – and it’s okay. He would probably feel guilty for it, but that’s the kind of man He is – a damned fine man. I give of myself, I willingly shoulder the balance shift, because I love Him, not because I expect something in return for my actions.
The moment I realized this, the moment I digested these truths, I felt lighter. He told me in the beginning that He was going to be who He was and that He wore His heart on His sleeve. Maybe His influence over me is greater than I ever imagined.